Fight
by SatansLollipop
Summary: Maybe it was Yoriko and the promise of a chance at a normal human life where I didn't have to jump at every shadow and look behind my back every few minutes


Fight

Snow was falling, thick and fresh, splotches of white covering the ground and all I could do was sit there, leaning against the tree as he slowly walked away.

 _Stop_ , I tried to cry, _don't leave, come back_.

But the words refused to come out, so I staggered to my feet, and stumbled clumsily after him, even as my joints screamed and my muscles ached. Ignoring the pain, I tried to go after to him, reach out to him, anything, _anything_ to stop him from leaving. But my legs gave out and my knees hit the cold ground, and I could only watch as his back shrunk into the distance slowly, leaving me, just like so many others had.

* * *

I was still young when it happened, but old enough to remember it, not during my waking moments, but the memories of that fateful day snuck up and caught me in it's poisonous embrace while I slept, haunting my dreams.

I was happy, everything was just perfect, mommy and daddy and the little bundle of clothes that mommy said was my little brother. We were a happy family, and suddenly, that crystallised moment of peace faded away, taken over by the looming darkness, the sudden dread in the form of that man standing at the very end at that alley. Shadows seemed to surround him, weaving and twisting around the dark form and as he took a step towards us, I was suddenly overwhelmed with fear and I knew, that somehow, that man was bad, very bad and we had to get away.

I cried out and then we were running, daddy's warm hand in mine while his other cradled Ayato. And then everything was just a blur. A haze of shouts and yells. I remembered running as fast as I could, my short little legs struggling to keep up with daddy. I remembered seeing tears stream down daddy's face and I remembered trying to look back, because we left mommy behind and we had to get her. But daddy just kept on running, running, running and dragging me along, even as tears poured down and I called out for him to _wait, wait, we left mommy_. And I remembered looking back, trying to just catch one last glimpse of her even though mommy's back was so tiny at this distance, but I remembered her lovely smile, soft and kind words, warm hands that cradled me whenever I couldn't sleep.

And somehow I knew that I would never see her again, but I was small and weak.

All I could do was run.

* * *

Whenever I asked daddy where mommy had gone, he would smile, a forced fake smile, and say that everything was alright, that mommy was fine and so are we. I soon learned to avoid asking and I tried to help, with taking care of Ayato, with cooking and cleaning. The house was sometimes oddly silent, without mommy everything seemed dimmer without her bright smile, quiet without her enthusiasm, it seemed so big and empty instead of cosy and warm and safe.

At night daddy would sometimes go out and not come back for hours, I tried to wait for him to come back because I couldn't sleep, not without mommy and her warm arms. Her soft and gentle voice, singing, slowly lulling me to sleep. I didn't feel safe and daddy seemed to disappear more and more often. But whenever I asked him, he would smile that same forced smile. And I would see, even though he tried hard to not let me notice, the glint in his eyes of passionate anger, raw agony, heart-wrenching sorrow.

Sometimes it was different, sometimes daddy would be more cheerful again like before, he would bring us out to meet people, cook delicious food and play with us. Sometimes he would tell us stories and I would smile. But then he would leave again and come back more solemn, more determined.

And then one night, he just left, didn't come back. I stayed with Ayato, waiting and waiting for daddy to come back. I didn't let myself worry that something had happened to him, because daddy would always come back. I told that to Ayato when he asked and worried. He had to, didn't he? He _had_ to come back.

But he never did.

Those strange-looking men came, with auntie Satou and I thought that everything was going to be alright. Father would be back and auntie would take care of us. Everything would be fine.

Except that it wasn't.

And it never would be.

* * *

I was a fool. A fool to think that we could escape, somehow evade the clutches of the anger and terror that humans directed towards us. I had thought, that everything would be all right, that with old man Yoshimura and Antekiku, if only we just hid, if we blended in with them, we would be fine. We wouldn't be hunted, that they would give us a chance, look at our efforts, our desire to not be an enemy. But it seemed that I hadn't learnt anything from what happened with Mother, with Father.

We would be killed, simply for what we are, for being born, something we never had a choice in. And it seemed that Ayato, my precious little brother, had not been shielded against such a harsh truth.

I wonder when he realized it, was it when mother left? Or when father died? Was it when I killed those men, their crimson blood flying through the air as my kagune pierced them, when I killed to survive? I wonder when he started changing, his mind slowly being corrupted by the poisonous thoughts of revenge and power.

I should have been more caring, paid more attention. I should have thought of his feelings, but I was desperate, and fighting to survive. I was a horrible sister who couldn't even protect her younger brother.

I could still hear the harsh words, the poisonous tone filled with hatred, the words like daggers aimed at me.

I could still see his back shrinking into the distance as he left.

I could still hear the sound of his footsteps, his heels of his boots slapping against the floor, fading as he walked further and further away from me.

I could still see that glint in his eyes, eerily similar to Father's after Mother died. That anger and hatred contained within that gaze.

 _Only the strong survive,_ he'd spat at me, _the weak die. Father and Mother were weak, they were kind, tried to be human, tried to be something they weren't, and look how well that turned out._

I had failed the promise I made to father, I couldn't protect Ayato, I couldn't teach him, I couldn't take care of him.

Because I was a failure.

Ayato was right.

In the end, I was just too weak.

* * *

The last dim rays of sunlight was abruptly cut off from shining onto the table when the blinds were yanked shut.

"Ready?" asked the silver-headed man beside the window, reaching over to the door to flip the sign from Open to Closed.

I nodded, reached behind the counter of the cafe to pull out a mask that was designed eerily similar to a gas mask and stood up "I'm ready."

We took the route out of the back of the shop along alleys until finally climbing and running along the rooftops.

I think now I understand why Kaneki went to join Aogiri, why he was so determined to protect me, protect everyone even though it wasn't his responsibility and nobody asked him to. He was tired of feeling helpless, weak, always running away like a coward and watch as others are slaughtered. Powerless to stop the acts of cruelty and tragedy.

He wanted to be stronger. He wanted to protect.

And I yelled at him for it, hated him because he reminded me of Ayato, because he tried to fight back - something I tried to avoid.

Sometimes I was reckless, sometimes I slaughtered humans and indulged myself in their blood and flesh. But at the end of the day, I just tried to do what father did, blend in with the humans, pretend to be something I wasn't and never could be.

Maybe it was Yoriko and the promise of a chance at a normal human life where I didn't have to jump at every shadow and look behind my back every few minutes.

Maybe it was fear of being hunted and killed just like my parents.

But I never tried to do anything for the "good of the ghouls" or some ridiculous moral. All I did was focus on surviving - hunt, eat, work, smile and pretend, hide and run.

I was afraid of fighting back, afraid of losing those I hold dear. Maybe that was why I reacted so strongly when Ryouko was killed, I had been hiding so long, pretending so long, that I forgot of how hated ghouls are. How hated I am.

But tonight, I am tired of hiding, of being a coward, I am going to Cochlea, not to attack but to protect. To fight to save others.

I am going to protect my little brother, something I failed to do for so long.

Tonight, I, Touka Kirishima, am going to stand up and fight.


End file.
